“Structure is anxiety’s best friend” – Dr. Christine Borgelt. I’ve respectfully stolen borrowed this phrase from Dr. Borgelt, a colleague and friend of mine from when I worked at the Cooke Foundation. While we mostly used this sentiment in our work with adolescents, I have found that it applies to just about anybody.

If we take a minute to actually consider the meaning, it doesn’t take long to realize that it makes sense. Moments of high anxiety are spurred on when we don’t have a clear understanding of what’s happening. Our brains immediately go into overdrive, fearful of the unknown unfolding before us.

During those moments we can alleviate our anxiousness by simply taking a breath and creating some structure around the situation. By providing some rules and boundaries, we can now feel comfortable because we have made the unknown, known. We can move forward cautiously and carefully, supported by the steps we have laid out for ourselves.

Almost every family I’ve ever worked with has shared how they feel unaware of what is going when their student is applying to college. It is a jarring shift because parents are used to having systems that regularly communicate almost exactly what is going on with their student’s education.Truthfully, applying to college is not structured the same way. This experience, for many, typically marks the first step towards transitioning from being a parent of a young adult, to being a parent of an adult. All the information and communication is going to be focused on the student, not the parent (despite the fact that in most cases parents are paying the bill).

Believe it or not, we can apply Dr. Borgelt’s thinking when applying to college. In the absence of structure, we must create our own. Creating a structure allows your family to institute communication pathways and systems that work best for you. The ultimate win is that everyone can feel satisfied they have the information they need to lessen their anxieties, reducing the number of fights and arguments.

*NOTE: I recognize that not all family situations are created equal. The suggestions below are just that, suggestions. If the specifics don’t seem to apply to your situation, please modify.

Applying To College: Roles & Accountability

Anytime we undertake developing a new process, system, or team one of the first crucial steps is to define roles and responsibilities. Doing so helps to clarify what every person on the team is in charge of doing. It opens team members up to having open and frank discussions, without the risk of stepping on each other’s toes or becoming micromanagers. When it comes to the college admission experience here is what I recommend:

Students

• Leading and completing big steps of college admission experience:
  defining fit, researching schools, building their college list, and
  writing essays,
• Identify and communicate with who is in the broader support network (college counselor, teachers, etc.)

Parents/Guardians

• Manage and complete all financial aid paperwork
• Facilitating conversations around finances/affordability
• Help and support student with aspects relating to time management
• Providing social-emotional support when and as needed

Applying To College: Schedule Regular Conversations

In this post-pandemic society we have all garnered a greater appreciation for in-person communication. Supporting your student with applying to college is no different. Having regularly scheduled times to talk with each other about deadlines, tasks, and progress is critical to managing everyone’s social-emotional well being. Too often I have seen parents and students let some task or concern fester in their mind, thinking about it over and over until reaching a breaking point. At which point, they talk about it with such annoyance and frustration that the other person responds in frustration and anger.

Having scheduled check-in conversations (maybe once a week, or twice per month, etc.), rather than “in-passing” chats, will relieve much of the festering and anxiety. It allows everyone to get emotionally prepared to talk about applying to college. Also, there is no mystery when issues surrounding college applications will be talked about–which in turn will lessen any festering frustrations and reduce anxieties. It’s also an opportunity to share and learn about the progress being made–this is helpful in celebrating successes, problem solving challenges, and learning from failures.

Applying To College: Progress Tracker

A really helpful tool is creating your own progress tracker. Something that allows you and your student to keep all the elements of applying to college organized. In fact, this is a great second topic (the first being roles and responsibilities) to discuss during your scheduled discussions. Whether you prefer tech or analog, be sure to choose a medium that works best for everyone In order to be sure everyone engages with the tracker, there are a few rules you need to put in place:

• The tracker should be located where everyone can see, use, and engage it (google drive, Microsoft 365, refrigerator, family command center, etc.)
• It must work for everyone–which will mean you need to get creative and everyone will need to make some level of sacrifices
• Everyone must commit to using it

Here are some ideas that I’ve gathered over the years:

• Try a large sticky easel pad. Put it in a central location where everyone can see it and engage with it regularly,
• Use a cloud-based spreadsheet (google, Microsoft, etc.)–something that is accessible to everyone
• Use a cloud based word doc (google. Microsoft, etc.)–again something that is accessible to everyone
• Use the College App To-Do List, be sure to post it somewhere that everyone can see and engage with it

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